I have had depression since my late teens. In my 20’s my doc gave me anti depressants. They say they can make you manic, well I’ve always been an irritable and angry person, so maybe thats how my manic side came out at that time. Jump forward to 50 years old. My mom passed away. This was almost 2 years ago. I felt bad but wasn’t a terrible loss since I was never real close to her. I later realized my mom most likely had untreated bipolar. My sister had schizophrenia since she was in her 20’s. Last June, a friend’s son drowned, he was 20 years old and a wonderful young man. He grew up with my boys, was over at my house quite often. I was devastated, even though he wasn’t my son.
I became extremely depressed and anxious. After a few months I had my first manic episode or close to it. I had extreme racing thoughts, hardly slept, I could barely talk because my brain was going faster than the words could come out. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I felt extremely high. Lots of energy! There was more but i can’t remember now. I just happened to see a nurse practitioner at the time for anxiety. She saw what was happening to me and put me on lithium. A few sessions later she diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. It’s possible that the lithium she prescribed to me stopped me from going completely over the edge. I was in denial for several months. I went to a psychiatrist who confirmed. Couldn’t stand her so I found a different psychiatrist who also confirmed. After being on several different meds I have found one that I think is working, but I have apathy right now. I see my pdoc tomorrow. Also, when I came down from this manic high, I was more severely depressed than I’ve ever been in my life and it took a good 3-4 months to be able to think clearly. It’s been several months now and I still can’t think as clearly as i did before, so I suppose that will never come back again.
Also, early this year, I guess I was hypomanic and I did something really stupid. I am a horse person. I bought 3 horses from across the country, sight unseen, and had them shipped to me. This cost several thousand dollars. As soon as they arrived i could see they were not what I was expecting and realized I had done something very dumb. I was able to sell one at a big loss but now I still have 2 of them. At some point I will be able to sell them, but also at a huge loss. I have been having cycles of anxiety that make me so scared I don’t even want to ride my good horse. I force myself sometimes but it’s not the same as it used to be.