Why do I do this, why do I pour my heart out for a world that refuses to care; a world that can’t see past their selfish wants? What am I thinking, opening up for judgment and criticism with not only my photography but also myself? Why do I think I can make any difference? Who would ever care what a mental train wreck like myself has to say?
These are just a few of the questions that I ask myself almost daily. I have to push myself to write another blog, to pick up my camera or to not panic when I receive a new comment on one of my new images or blogs. I have to remind myself that I have value; that I am just as important as any other human.
I have chosen to talk about this not for sympathy but to show those of you like myself, that what you say and do is important; You are important!
I wouldn’t be the photographer or even the person that I am if not for my disorders; they make up who I am. I’m not saying, “look at me I can take a picture, so I am the knower of all things photography and mental health”. What I am trying to say is that in my experience, the number one thing that is holding you back is not your disorders or disabilities, but rather your attitude towards your mental health. Attitude is going to be the main factor in what you are capable of accomplishing. If you are kept from doing things because you believe that you are incapable of doing it, how will you ever find what you are good at? I would not have Manic Depictions If I had let fear or lack of self worth and value stop me.
I have come to believe that working on one’s self is likely the hardest but most rewarding things you can do. When I first started working on me, with a therapist, meds and the whole caboodle, I felt like the more I looked inward, the more I saw things that made me loath myself. I thought to myself, why do I do this? What’s the point, the world hates me anyways? But now, after some time I have learned that it wasn’t the world that hated me but me who hated myself.
Once I started changing my attitude towards my disorders and myself, I realized that I am just as important and capable as anyone else. It is a daily struggle reminding myself to keep pushing forward with positive thoughts; to love myself and be proud of what I accomplish no matter how small. But let me tell you, it is so worth the positive self-esteem that comes with accomplishing something you didn’t think you were able to do.
So, why do I do this? I do it all in hopes that people like me will have the courage to step out and accomplish dreams they didn’t believe they could do or even deserve; For these people to feel free of self-doubt and loathing, because you can accomplish anything with the right attitude.